More Than Family Harmony

Family relationships are not always simple. Parents, children, and grandparents can feel close to each other. They can also disagree. They can support each other while having different opinions and expectations. A strong family relationship does not mean that everyone always agrees. It can include both connection and conflict.

“intimacy and distance”
“agreement and dissent”
“dependence and autonomy”

A family can be close in one way and distant in another. A parent and child may love each other but have very different opinions. They may depend on each other while also wanting independence.

"...we are finding that conflict tends to be orthogonal to affection, not that conflict is the same as the absence of affection."

The authors point out that positive feelings and conflict can appear in the same relationship. They found that parents and children may experience affection and conflict differently. Disagreement does not automatically mean that people are disconnected.

"Each shows us something slightly different about how family members attempt to stay together, what pulls them apart, and how they negotiate their differences"

Family relationships change over time. People respond to each other, adjust their expectations, and find ways to live with differences. The authors describe relationships as something that is continually worked and reworked through interaction.

Family relationships do not have to be perfect to be meaningful. People can feel close while having different opinions and expectations. They can disagree and still care about each other. They can want independence and still remain connected. Understanding these different sides gives us a more realistic view of intergenerational relationships. Connection is about how people stay together, respond to differences, and continue to understand each other.

References

Bengtson, V. L., Giarrusso, R., Mabry, J. B., & Silverstein, M. (2002). Solidarity, conflict, and ambivalence: Complementary or competing perspectives on intergenerational relationships? Journal of Marriage and Family, 64(3), 568–576. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2002.00568.x

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